The Modern Marriage – Better than being single?

“Oh honey, no…..” replied the fortune teller, to the question of “Will I meet my husband in New York City?”

It was the Spring of 2003, I had just closed on a 500-square foot condo on 7th Avenue and 18th street in Chelsea, and my boxes were barely unpacked.  As hard as it is to find a lasting relationship in New York City, the palm reader had at least a 50% chance of being right. Or maybe she had taken one look at this bossy, independent, 31-year old and decided I wasn’t wife material (a sentiment also supported by my own father).   

As with certain other Gen X women in New York, getting married had never been a priority for me. I was busy living my life, seeing the world and taking care of business.  Being a wife meant responsibilities that I didn’t want, the loss of freedom, and in a place like New York City, a persistent FOBO (Fear of a Better Offer) for everyone. 

What I didn’t know at the time was that it’s possible to write your own model of what you want your marriage to be. I knew what I wanted in a potential partner: someone I could totally count on, with whom I could share a laugh, and who could make me think. Luckily, Match.com had been invented by then, so I filled out a short form and send my wish list into the universe. 

After pressing “send” and waiting a few seconds, a message appeared: “You have zero matches based on your preferences”. Exactly what I thought.  By then it was 2006, and I had been living in Atlanta for a few years, having unwillingly relocated during a corporate re-org in 2003.

Fortunately, Mike Downey had set his parameters in Match to a higher tolerance.  In a Venn diagram of our background and interests, our circles barely intersected, but our diverging strengths make our relationship stronger than we would be as individuals.

At my friend Amy’s wedding, the officiant said that marriage “doubles the joys and halves the hardships,” and I have to agree. This week marks the 10-year anniversary of our 08-08-08 wedding. 

Being single is not better or worse than being married; marriage is a choice that is taken and built over time. Being married to someone that I respect, admire and value has made my immeasurably life better, and especially helpful when trying to assemble patio furniture.   

I guess the NYC street fortune teller was right after all, since I didn’t meet Mike in NYC. 

Was Mike crazy or brave for marrying me?

#ModernMarriage #10years

Ruminations on middle age

“Were you really born in 1971?” the millennial at the Sky Lounge asked, holding up my driver’s license to my face.  I suppose that my quest to “look” 35 until I got to 50 appeared to be working, at least on that morning a few weeks ago at LAX.

Tim Krieder’s Op-Ed in the New York Times on March 3, 2018 made me think about what separates middle age from youth. He noted that young people have “….a bottomless reservoir of moral rage that you burned out long ago”, and that “They haven’t faced life’s heartless compromises…” and “…glumly watched themselves do everything they’ve ever disapproved of.”

It made me think of some things I thought I’d never do, including:

-          Staying in on any Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.

-          Living in a gated community.

-          Paying full price for a brand new car (or paying full price for anything, really).

-          Getting married (it turns out I was wrong, being married is great!) 

I knew that I had become middle-aged when:

-          I regularly have to spend so much time and effort just to recognize myself in the mirror.

-          We have a tax return that is over a hundred pages long.

-          And own an amount of stuff that necessitates umbrella insurance.

-          My top choice is to be at home on the sofa, in my gated community, with my spouse, on a Saturday night.

“Young people have only just learned that the world is an unfair hierarchy of cruelty and greed, and it still shocks and outrages them”.  At the start of my career, I thought that we Gen Xers would be the ones to achieve equality in the work force, but a McKinsey study states that at current rates, gender parity is still 100 years away.  “Power is like money, entirely dependent upon belief.  Most of the power of institutions lies in the faith people have in them”.

Many things in life aren’t fair:  brown nosers are going to get promoted before you; rich, old men can have young, beautiful spouses, but not vice versa; most religions and some cultures subjugate women and reinforce the patriarchy. To me, these unwritten rules are like gravity, they have always existed and will live on well past us, whether we believe in them or not. Middle age is a constant battle between optimism and cynicism, at least in my household.  

I recently heard Maria Shiver speak at a conference, and read her book “I’ve been Thinking…”  It was interesting to see that someone of her wealth, fame and beauty still experienced being fired, getting divorced, and realizing that some of the tenets she grew up with were outmoded ways of thinking that have been perpetuated through the centuries.  Her book had some great advice, including:

-          Stop wishing you were a different age. Love the age you are.

-          Don’t assume anyone is better than you or you are better than anyone else.

-          Have faith that your best days are ahead of you, that your next frontier will be the most fulfilling time of your life.

And with that, I’m off to work on my tax return.  But first, coffee!!      

The Case for Travelling Abroad in 2018

Free tickets to the LA Travel and Adventure show?  Sign me up!  Yesterday, I happily spent an afternoon attending informative speaker sessions and shopping for new adventures at the LA Convention Center.  For once, I had researched the vendors ahead of time to know which ones to target.  Peter Greenberg, aka The Travel Detective, was worth the mile-hike from the offsite, makeshift overpriced auto-dealer parking lot.  Here's what I learned about why we should ALL be travelling in 2018...

Thanks to our current administration, there is the impression globally that the U.S. is not the most welcoming of visitors. As a result, international airlines have many outbound flights that are pretty much empty, and resulting in amazing fare sales.  It's a global buyer's market, especially for 5th Freedom Rights airlines (e.g. those not based in the departure or destination countries).  For example, I've seen $500 fares from LAX to London on Air New Zealand, and the same on Air Tahiti Nui from LAX to Paris.  I've recently booked a $515 flight from LAX direct to Singapore for the last week in April.  Apparently only 52% of airlines inventory is available online, with 48% visible only to travel agents.  I met many interesting boutique tour companies while at the show.  It's also been a safe year to fly in 2017, with zero fatalities on commercial jet travel.  

The U.S. state department's travel advisories are using fear to dissuade people from travelling.  Luckily, that hasn't stopped me from much.  I've shown up in places the same week as a bombing at the airport (Moscow), plane crash (Sharm el Sheik), local protests (Rio, Brussels, Peru), and witness to an armed robbery at the airport (Lyon).  A Turkish cultural tours company that I stopped by informed me that he is able to do better deals this year because of the still ongoing unease about the political unrest there.  

Here's where Peter Greenberg recommended going in 2018 and why:  Portugal - now has five Michelin starred restaurants, and the Azores are beautifully preserved.  Faroe Islands (between Iceland and Norway) is a great place to see the Northern lights.  Malta - almost every bad guy in history has tried to conquer it.  Rwanda - for the silverback gorillas.  

From the show, I was able to get research materials and contacts on how to go to Bhutan, Nepal, Seychelles, Turkey, Polar Bear excursions and others.  Chef David Kuo also did a demo on how to make squid ink xioa long baos and they were delicious.  And the session with The Points Guy was standing-room only.  I got so many great tips.  Next year, I may need to attend both days of the show, and to arrive earlier for closer parking!